Babies change everything. They change your focus. They change your dreams and fears. They also change your marriage. Marriage before babies is pretty simple and chill. You do what you want, when you want. Then a baby comes and you are tied down to feeding schedules and nap times. It flips your world upside down.
Suddenly it is changing diapers and making sure the baby is strapped in the car seat correctly. You no longer can go on dates or weekend trips whenever you want. It is babysitters and scheduling. This all takes a toil on a marriage. For me it took a big one. Luckily, we figured out what was going on and were able to adjust to make us strong once more. But I feel like the things that my husband and I struggled with are common and that is why I hope this article helps other new parents reconnect.
- Attention Shift
When you have a baby your focus automatically shifts. It goes from being on your husband to a newborn baby. Babies are a lot of work. Plus you are recovering from giving birth, trying to figure out breastfeeding, learning your baby’s cues, and all on little sleep. This all happens overnight. You are pregnant for 9 months but then all of a sudden there is the baby. Here. Needing you. It is not an easy shift to make.
My husband often felt neglected and unloved. Not because it was true but because my sole focus was on the baby. Add in postpartum anxieties and it was hard. It was hard to make sure my husband felt loved and appreciated but at the same time take care of the baby. Add taking care of myself and I felt like I was going to explode. It was a struggle and there were nights where I knew my husband needed more and I couldn’t give the attention he needed. So, how do you overcome this?
First, you have to be open and honest with your husband. I overplayed how “fine” I was. I didn’t want to feel weak and appear that I couldn’t handle things. Don’t act strong. You gave birth! You deserve help. Lots of it. When I finally broke down to my husband and explained that I wasn’t doing okay things improved. He helped me with my postpartum anxieties. He was aware that I was struggling and so he stepped up. Just by talking to my husband about the struggles I was having, we improved instantly. And eventually you get into a new groove. You adjust to the new way of things.
- Tired all the Time
I mentioned this in the previous point. But I am emphasizing this again because you will be exhausted! You will not get a full night’s sleep for at least a couple of months. To see how to sleep train a newborn check out this post. You are a human snack. Your baby will be attached to you for food, changings, and love. They are fully dependent on you. This is tiring. I felt so exhausted all the time that I would be cranky all the time (I do not do well with no sleep). My crankiness would be taken out on my husband. I would snap and be short. I would wonder why he didn’t do more which would lead to even more hard feelings. Then when I would get some sleep I would feel horrible but wouldn’t know how to make it better.
I had to start asking my husband to watch the baby while I slept. Whether it was weekend mornings after I fed the baby. Or at night when he would get home from work for a quick nap. I also would take naps with my baby. This only worked when I had one. Once you have more than one it gets harder. Just having those extra times to sleep I felt AMAZING. I felt more like myself and so I was nicer to my husband. Plus the times I slept would give him time to bond with the baby.
- Not as Lovey
My last trimester I did not want to be touched, let alone intimate with my husband. Honestly, there were times I had sex with him because I knew he needed that validation that I still loved him. Then baby comes and no sex for 6 weeks. This in an eternity for some. My husband’s love language is physical touch so intimacy is HUGE for him. Obviously, he knew why we couldn’t do anything and knew I was hurting. But it was still hard for him. Not only could we not be fully intimate, my focus was on the baby. He slowly felt unloved and uncared for. When I broke down about how I was feeling, he also told me how he was feeling. I realized that I had been neglecting him. My husband needed to feel loved, whether that was a simple cuddle session on the couch or full makeout in the kitchen. These little things allowed my husband to feel loved. Plus I believe that intimacy is key to a strong marriage. It connects a husband and wife. It validates the relationship and keeps both sides feeling sure that they are still loved.
If you don’t know yours or your spouse’s love language be sure to check out this book to see!
- More Focus on Baby vs. Us
Along with intimacy and not giving attention to my husband, we both stopped focusing on us. Us the couple. Not us, the parents. This is probably the easiest thing to do when a baby comes. You both naturally turn to the baby. You love this little person you created and so you focus on them all the time. I didn’t even realize that my husband and I were doing this until a couple months in and I realized I couldn’t remember the last time that we did something just us. We lost track of our relationship and we felt it. We weren’t as loving or considerate of the other. We stopped doing the little things for each other. Thankfully we realized what was happening and took steps to make it better. We would go on walks/runs at night with a jogger stroller. No phones meant no distractions. We would have grandparents babysit (which they loved because it was alone time with the grand-baby) and go on dates. We MADE time for each other. We knew that if we were strong as a couple then our family would be strong too.
- Don’t Forget about God
I had a major problem with this. We attend church weekly but I wait 6 weeks after my babies are born before returning. Without this weekly reminder I forgot to include God in my struggles and worries. When I put my focus on staying close to God I do not feel so alone in my struggles. When my husband was at church on Sundays I would watch devotionals and read scriptures. This helped me stay close to God which in turn allowed my marriage to return to strength.
Whether or not you have experienced these things after having a baby I think we all go through something after having a baby. It is a hard time but it can also be a time to remember what is most important. A family without a strong mom and dad is not a family, just roommates living together. I love that my husband and I are lovey in front of kids. I want them to see what a happy, healthy relationship looks like. Hard times happen in marriages, it is how you choose to learn and grow during these times that determines if you’ll have a marriage that lasts 5 years or 50 years.
What have you done to make sure your marriage stayed strong after having a baby? Tell me in the comments.
