Infertility is becoming a more common topic around the world. Women are no longer shamed or belittled for not being able to have children. 1 in 4 women struggle with infertility. That is a high number. Even though infertility is more common there still seems to be unknowns. I, for example, did not know how to talk to my sister about her struggles and the things I thought were helpful were actually hurtful. Because of this I decided to interview that same sister and ask her questions about her infertility journey and the things she has been going through.
Sierra has been trying for one year with her husband to have a baby. Six months in they decided to seek additional help and Sierra went to her OBGYN to ask for help. Her Doctor put her on Clomid right away with hopes that that would do the trick. No such luck. This is her story:
What is the hardest thing about infertility?
The hardest part of infertility is probably the unknown. You are constantly wondering whether or not you will be able to have a family one day. Will you be able to get pregnant naturally? Will you have to take hormone inducers? Will you have to do IVF? Will you get the news that you are completely unable to have children? Will you then have to look into adoption or fostering? It can get really overwhelming at times to think of all those things.
What would you want people to know who have not had to deal with infertility?
You truly do not understand what infertility feels like until you go through it. It’s totally okay for people to not understand what it is like but people become nervous to talk about it or nervous to know what to say. The best thing to do if you don’t know what to say is simply “that sucks, is there anything I can do for you?”. Please do not give advice, the couple probably has thought and read everything possible and do not need more advice that will probably just make it more overwhelming. Sometimes couples that are struggling with infertility just need a distraction so their lives don’t revolve around getting pregnant or in this case not getting pregnant.
What’s the scariest thing about infertility?
The scariest thing about infertility is not being able to have a family. Or going through treatment after treatment for nothing to happen. I know my husband’s biggest fear is whether or not it is his sperm or his genetics that are not allowing us to get pregnant. He knows that my biggest dream is to be a mom so he is terrified of not being able to give me that. But I would say that in time, you move past those fears. You become aware that there are other options and that if God wants you to have babies, he will make it happen. But if there is a different route that God has planned for you to have a family, you have to trust in that.
Why is it ok to not be happy while going through infertility?
I love this question! Infertility sucks. It really is that simple. There are times when there is zero light at the end of the tunnel and you feel so encompassed with all this pain and worry. One of the best pieces of advice that I was given at the beginning of my journey, from someone that had been through infertility, was to allow yourself to feel everything. You need to allow yourself to feel angry when it seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant. You need to allow yourself to cry it out when you realize you started your period once again. You have to feel those emotions or else it will literally consume you.
What is the worst thing people can say to you?
The worst thing people can say to someone going through infertility is phrases that seem to attempt to sugarcoat their pain. Phrases like “at least you’re young”, I know I am young but that doesn’t lessen my pain in any way. Or “it has only been a year”, it does not matter if a couple has been going through infertility for 3 months or 10 years, it is painful no matter what. Any type of phrase that makes the couple feel like they shouldn’t be upset, is simply mean and does not help the situation.
How are you dealing with your infertility?
I wish that I was dealing with my infertility better to be honest. I hear all the time from other people that have struggled or are struggling with infertility that this process has made them a better person. Quite honestly, this process may make me a better person in the end but right now most of the time I feel guilty for being mad that I am not pregnant when others get to be. Sometimes it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and especially if you are on hormone medication, it is so easy to turn into a witch.
But things that my husband and I do that have helped prevent me from becoming a total bully is first off, that we got a puppy. I was able to put all this motherly attention that I desperately wanted to give a baby into a puppy. This has helped me more than anything, to have a little creature that loves me completely has made me feel less empty during this process. Also, we are there for each other in all the bad moments and the good. If we did not have a solid marriage foundation, we would probably not make it through this. It is tough! It will stress your marriage but if you can both hold on and be that rock for each other, it makes your marriage 10 times stronger because you realize you can get through hard things together.
There you have it. Some very honest answers about what it is really like when dealing with infertility.Stayed tuned for next week as we dive deeper into infertility and I ask Sierra harder questions. Her answers may surprise you and help you realize that infertility is hard and that it is ok to not have it all together. It is ok to break down and not understand why this is happening to you. Subscribe to be the first one to get the next article!
What have you gone through in your infertility journey and what has helped you? Tell me in the comments.
I’m glad Sierra felt comfortable sharing her experience with infertility. I’m glad to learn about the things we shouldn’t say, but what CAN we say? What acts of service helped her? Did others provide any relief? I would like to know what we can do to help those experiencing it, if we can at all. Thanks!
These are great questions. Some things that are good to say are “It must be hard dealing with infertility, is there anything I can do to help?” Also letting the person vent about what they are going through without giving advice. They just want someone to listen. Overall, they just want to feel loved and supported as they go through it. And different people need different things. I know for me I have learned to not push, allow what they are feeling to come out when they are ready. Just because you want to talk about it and know more does not mean they want to nor should they have to.